An email! “This ‘outside chance’ you mention, Rob, of Arsenal getting into the Champions League,” begins Charles Antaki. “Is this the same kind of outside chance that Captain Oates took, that chilly night in the Antarctic?”

If they win tonight they’ll be two points off fifth place. They’d still cock it up, nowt surer, but I reckon that constitutes an outside chance.

More pre-match reading, including a very happy story from Leicestershire

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The state of that Manchester City subs’ bench.

Manchester City (4-3-3) Ederson; Walker, Garcia, Laporte, Mendy; De Bruyne, Gundogan, D Silva; Mahrez, Jesus, Sterling.
Substitutes: Carson, Zinchenko, Otamendi, Rodri, B Silva, Fernandinho, Aguero, Sane, Foden.

For heaven’s sake, man, cool your jets! This is only game two of 92 in the Great Summer Festival of Football, and you’ve already ingurgitated all the Wagon Wheels. And what’s happened to that crate of Hofmeister? That was supposed to last until Crystal Palace v Burnley a week on Monday!

Yep, the Premier League is back with a view improving the nation’s morale, and probably its obesity levels. Aston Villa v Sheffield United is taking place right now - you’ll be pleased to know the Premier League restart has already descended into farce - with the main course to follow at the Etihad. We’ve sacrificed plenty in the last few months, so now it’s time for a peedie reward: we get to watch Kevin De Bruyne play association football. Unless Pep leaves him out, in which case we can always head over to Fred Dinenage: Murder Casebook on Sky Crime.

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